Being laid off has been weird, and has actually got me thinking a lot about grief. Both can arrive suddenly, unbidden, and you have very little control over either of them.

Also, both can be paired with an odd sort of limbo period, where you’re pretty certain what’s going to happen, but it hasn’t happened yet, and so you end up trying to get on with things even though there’s this ominous cloud over everything.

And then it happens, and the actual happening is surprisingly brief.

And then comes the rest of your life. And actually, for me, one of the hardest bits of that, in all cases, has been just telling people. Because when you tell people something like this, they almost all pour on the empathy.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it. I’m not sure I’d know what else to suggest you do. But the net result is that I end up being the one doing the reassuring, almost helping the other person through my own grief.

Yes, the family are doing okay. No, there’s no urgency yet to sort out what happens next (whether clearing the house or finding a job).

And ultimately, yes, I’m fine. Actually, honestly, better now than I was in the lead up to everything. There’s a huge amount of relief in finally knowing, rather than it just being a pending thing.

So yes, I’m fine.

But sometimes I’m not fine with being fine.

How can I be fine with the world how it is right now? How can things be okay when I’ve just lost my job and am in no rush to get another just yet?

How can I be fine?

How can I not feel guilty that I’m not using my time to make the world a better place? How can I just be content with what I have and not worried about what happens when the money runs out?

How can I be okay when there’s so much that’s not okay? How can I accept that I’m a flawed human when so many people rely on me not being flawed? People that I love, that I want to support and care for. How can I be okay with being anything less than perfect for them?

How is “fine” anything other than very not fine?

And the reality is that, until I’m fine with all that, I won’t be fine.

But I’m fine. And that’s how I can start the work of addressing all that.

If I wasn’t fine, I’d have no hope of even starting.

So yeah, I’m fine thanks. How are you?